Cycling Fairy Tales

Little Red Mountain Biker and the Big, Fat Motorist

One day Little Red Mountain Biker was out on a little fitness ride to her grandmother's house in the country, about 20 miles. When she was nearly there, she found herself being harassed by an overweight wolf in a sports car. Recognizing the danger of being hit by his car or being attacked in the lonely woods, she suggested to him on one of his passes that he meet her at Grandma's house, the last house on the road at the edge of the mountain, where "no one is home."

That gave Red a little bit of peace, but when she got to Grandma's, the wolf was the only one there and was evidently waiting for her inside, either in the living room or possibly even in the bedroom. Rather than go inside, Red shouted, "I'm going for a short ride into the woods, do you want to come? You can use Grandpa's mountain bike. We'll have the woods to ourselves."

Well, the wolf was not delighted with the opportunity to ride a bike; however, being in the woods alone with Red greatly appealed to him, so he followed. A short distance into the woods, Red chose the trail that plunged off of the mountain.

On the 1,000 foot descent, he was not able to quite catch her because of difficulty in controlling the bike. His bulk did give him some advantage, and he got very close to her at the bottom where he was sure she would stop to rest. However, Red had different plans, and immediately began the return climb on another trail. The wolf realized that it was now or never and used his downhill speed to nearly catch her. As he was huffing and puffing and straining and gasping, she turned and looked at him. She said, "Oh my, what big bloodshot eyes you got!" "All the better to see you with," he managed to wheeze out. She continued, "And what big red ears you got!" "All the better to hear you with," he gasped. "And what a big, fat belly you got!" "All the better to, to ..." His mind was fogging up; he was seeing spots in front of his eyes. Just then, Red said, "Well, good-bye, I've got to hurry back to town; I don't want to be late to teach my Taekwondo class." Then she put the pedal to the metal and rapidly accelerated up the steep hill.

Hours later and long after dark, the wolf reached Grandma's house again, badly dehydrated. There he discovered that Grandpa was the county sheriff and that Grandma was a women's rights activist. They had a lot to say to him before they let him leave in his car. But the wolf was no danger anymore anyway; he had completely lost his taste for Red. He preferred the small, weak, and helpless type; Red was small, but she certainly was not weak or helpless.

Goldilocks and the Three Bears

Goldilocks was needing new wheels, so she went to the Three Bears' Bicycle Shop. The first type of bike they tried to sell her was too heavy, with big fat tires. "I don't ride off-road," she said. The second type of bike they tried to sell her was too light, with tiny tires. "I'm not into racing, either," she said. The third type of bike they tried to sell her had moderate-sized tires and would be useful for touring and commuting. She said, "This type of bike is just right."

The first bicycle they brought out for her to try was too big. She said, "I need a smaller frame than that. My legs are not that long, and I would be stretched out too far." The second bike they brought out was too small. "Even if I jacked the seat up high enough, the distance between the seat and the handlebars would be too small. The third bike they brought out was just right.

The seat that came with the bike was too soft. She said, "These soft seats are no good for the long miles." The next seat they showed her was too hard. "I'm not going to be racing," she said, with her eyes wide. The third seat they gave her was just right.

And so on. Before she left the shop, Goldilocks made sure that she had exactly what she needed on her bike. The Bears were glad to make the money, but they were happy to see her go. "I hope all of our customers aren't that fussy," they said.

Goldilocks then started home. The first route she tried had too much traffic. The second route had too many speeders. The third route was just right, so she used it to return home.

Goldilocks knew an important rule in life: if you are willing to settle for whatever people want to give you, you'll never get what you want.

The Ugly Bicycle

Once upon a time, there was a little, ugly bicycle, that was always being made fun of. Other vehicles said to his mother, "It would be all right if he were a little Honda or Civic. We could even accept a little motorbike. But we see no reason to be kind to a bicycle."

When the little bike went for rides, the big cars would honk at him and sometimes try to shove him off of the road. They said, "We don't think bicycles should be allowed anywhere except on a sidewalk." The little cars would be even more offended and would honk repeatedly. And the motorcycles and motor bikes would tease him mercilessly. But most dangerous were the big RV's, who liked to pretend they didn't even see him.

But the ugly bicycle persisted. He started riding farther and farther away from home, hoping to meet someone like him.

One day at a store, he met some mountain bikes who were strapped to the side of an SUV. The mountain bikes suggested that he pull off his fenders, get some fat tires, and spend the rest of his life being carried around on a car. But the ugly bicycle said, "But I like to ride for long distances on the road," and that remark so offended the mountain bikes that they wouldn't talk to him any more.

Then, one day, the ugly bike saw a large group of beautiful bikes following him. They quickly caught up to him and continued to pass him without even giving him a glance. These bikes had no fenders, carriers, or bags, just tiny rear cogs and beautiful paint jobs. Some of them were Italian. These bikes didn't seem to mind riding on the road, and the cars seemed to treat them with respect. He tried painfully to keep up with them, but he was too slow.

The ugly bike thought, "One day, I'm going to be like them," and he decided to pack his bags and run away from home.

But his trip was very difficult. He wasn't being carried on a SUV nor was he traveling in a pack of other bicycles, so he had to face indignities from other vehicles. Because he didn't have fat tires, he sometimes bogged down in the mud of a back road. And because he was carrying all that weight, he was slow at crossing the mountains. But he persisted anyway. He kept going mile after mile, mountain after mountain, state after state, and he kept getting stronger and more self-confident. The other vehicles quit bothering him, but he still had to watch for their careless mistakes.

As he continued to travel, a strange thing began to happen. He started liking himself for what he was. The mountain bikes might be better on rough roads, but they weren't as fast on the smooth roads. The lightweight bikes might be faster on the smooth roads, but they couldn't get on the dirt roads at all. Neither the mountain bikes nor the lightweight bikes had racks and panniers to carry supplies and equipment for a long trip as he did. Neither could ride after dark as he could because they didn't have lights. Neither had fenders like his to allow riding in the rain. He had the qualities necessary to travel long distances under adverse conditions.

Then one night, when he was looking for a place to camp, he discovered another bicycle that looked a lot like him. This bike had a stout frame, racks front and rear, lights, fenders, and big bags just like his. He thought it was the most beautiful bicycle he had even seen. And it was a woman's bike, too! He thought the smaller front wheel, the narrow handlebars, and the slightly wider seat were so beautiful! Even more to his amazement, he discovered that this beautiful bike found him to be very attractive. She was impressed by his bravery and his long journey, and she had been on a long trip also. They talked and talked about their travels. While talking, he realized that it was OK to be himself and not try to be like other bicycles. Indeed, the ugly bicycle realized that he wasn't really an ugly bicycle after all; he just had qualities that the other vehicles couldn't see.